Unfortunately, we lie to ourselves as much as we lie to others. “I need this,” or “No one will know,” even “I'm not hurting anyone.” Our list of thinking errors / denial patterns are sadly yet, extremely long. Honestly, majority of addicts are very creative people & more often than not; more intelligent than they make out which personally in my scenario the more intelligent that I was / were / became which yet, truly not to mention; sadly had meant I had developed & was progressing into a better, smarter & sneakier addict.
When it came to using methamphetamines I had started out using my beloved poison via snorting the drug as originally I had thought inhaling / smoking it was absolutely disgusting let alone beginning the even somewhat think about the fact people use meth via injecting themselves with needles... Which that thought to this day I still seriously can't bear to imagine as it makes me feel physically sick beyond explainable words! Mind you... After several months of snorting methamphetamines it was becoming impossible to do as it would instantly make me vomit or cause nose bleeds & headaches / migraines which therefor led me the only / next option to begin smoking meth through a glass pipe commonly known as a "sweet puff" which instantly then I fell head over heels, completely in love with the satisfaction I had gained from blowing clouds! To be completely honest; I hate the taste & smell of methamphetamines let alone the cooked / retardation / spastic / slow / stupid feeling I began to constantly feel due to my love of blowing clouds left me to experience after highly & seriously more than likely after having too much /more than body was / could handle at that present time! Towards the end before admitting that I had an addiction & entering into a residential rehabilitation facility I remember spending a good constant half-hour / hour non-stop smoking my poison till i couldn't see anything within the room, let alone smoked $1000, sometimes more worth of meth just to receive that satisfaction of; "professional cloud blowing" that once I had finished I began to feel like I was dying, clutching my chest due to the fact my heart was beating inexplicably fast I thought it would stop in an instant / pop out of my chest! Which well several times I believed the only way to stop the feeling was to inhale a little 'only a little' bit more....
Look beyond my mask:
Look at me , What do you see ?
That smile , is a frown
Those eyes , are aged far beyond my years
That laugh , is a cry for help
This face is my guard ,
This face is my tool to portraying my self in a way people cannot see my true self .
Look Close .....
Can you see my pain ?
Can you see my struggle ?
Can you see my hurt ?
Can you see my abandonment ?
Can you see my story ?
Can you see my cries for attention ?
Can you see The Tracks Of My Tears ?
I feel, I think...
no-one is there when i need them,
i hate sitting here,
Hate yet over; crying to myself,
I want it all to end...
I am soo alone,
I am in unbarable pain;
I'm feeling; completely lost!
Honestly, feeling completely abandoned..
I am, let alone feel ever so helpless!
Seriously, I don't know...
I don't know what to do??
Childhood memories... Honestly are; extremely minor within my memory & ever so... yet, completely hazy! Seriously, I can never seem to come close to nor grasp the true reason I grew up ever so quick, let alone in such a pushy, impatient; hurry! I felt as I was never treated like a child not to mention forcing myself to Never have the chance to grow to experience "Fear of rejection" which honestly came & to this day still does... Being; Too scared to hear the word "NO!" Please... Will you; Look into my eyes? Explain, semi even... Somewhat Tell me what you see Behind my pain & tears?? At the end of the day I feel as I am; A girl living in defeat constantly informing myself; "I really wasn't that bad & I seriously didn't do anyone nor anything wrong!" which I've forever, as long as I can remember have ever believed! Now, I'm told this belief is a sense / glimpse of denial... A mask this disease has me to wear!!
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