Denial - Addiction & Recovery;

Denial - Early Recovery;

Denial is a safety net for everyone. We deny our problems when we feel overwhelmed by what is required to resolve them; we deny that we are mortal when we fear the death that is the only certainty we all share. We deny that we are facing situations that do not allow us to continue to do what we want, no matter what that may be. Denial is a construct that is firmly embedded into our culture from birth through death. It is a construct created to protect us from harsh realities that we would rather not face. Denial can be seen as an ego defense that shelters the person from truth they feel inadequate to deal with.

As a concept used in treatment of addictive disorders, it was popularly coined in the early-to-mid 1980s when treatment became more widespread and the conversation about addiction became more open. It was used then to describe the denial of an addict and the severity of their drug/alcohol use and problems surrounding it.

The overuse of the word is apparent to all who hear it nearly 30 years later. We know all the slogans and catch phrases created to make it more widespread and socially acceptable to be “in denial.” However, as an ego defense, its use has only increased, not diminished over time.

Denial in the field of addictions’ treatment means that the addict is going to minimize and decentralize their addiction by looking at it as everyone else’s problem, as blaming those around him for his use and abuse of substances, as negotiating to lessen the impact of his abuse and use of substances, and to attempt to protect himself from the ultimate treachery of having to face life without the only measure of comfort he has known, that of using and abusing those same substances. While it is apparent to everyone around him that his addiction is spiraling out of control, he will continue to defend it with whatever weapons he may possess. The sharpest tool in his kit at this juncture may well be his denial of the problems his addiction are creating for him and the social environment he inhabits. Therefore, as trite as the word may be in today’s vernacular, it is important to remember the impact the addict finds in using this old weapon for his seeming survival.

Denial within Addiction;

Denial is the part of our disease that tells us we don't have a disease. When we are in denial, we are unable to see the reality of our addiction. We minimize its effect. We blame others, citing the too-high expectations of families, friends, and employers. We compare ourselves with other addicts whose addiction seems "worse" than our own. We may blame one particular drug. If we have been abstinent from drugs for some time, we might compare the current manifestation of our addiction with our drug use, rationalizing that nothing we do today could possibly be as bad as that was! One of the easiest ways to tell that we are in denial is when we find ourselves giving plausible but untrue reasons for our behavior.

Behaviors - Addiction;

Addict's Behavior;

There are many behaviours that are associated with drug use and addiction. The behaviours may vary from person to person and the type of drug that they are using. They may exhibit all the behaviours or only a few.

Use affects a person's entire body. Drugs change the way the brain functions, how fast their heart beats, and the level of their blood pressure; however, these are things that are not visible to the human eye. There are things that are visible to other people that a drug addict will exhibit; such as, emotional and physical behaviours.

What Causes Addictive Behaviors?

There is no consensus as to the etiology (cause), prevention, and treatment of addictive disorders. A United States government publication, "Theories on Drug Abuse: Selected Contemporary Perspectives," came up with no less than forty-three theories of chemical addiction and at least fifteen methods of treatment!

    

As an example of this confusion, many people consider addictive behaviours such as gambling and alcoholism as "diseases," but others consider them to be behaviours learnt in response to the complex interplay between heredity and environmental factors. Still others argue for a genetic cause. Some researchers point out that, unlike most common diseases such as tuberculosis, which has a definite cause (a microbe) and a definite treatment model to which everyone agrees, there is no conclusive cause or definite treatment method to which everyone agrees for most of the addictive behaviours.

This lack of agreement among experts causes problems with prevention and treatment approaches for many addictive behaviours. Professionals debate whether total abstinence or controlled and moderate use of a substance (such as alcohol) or activity (such as gambling) is effective. Others debate whether or not a medication is a desirable treatment method. In the area of addiction to food or exercise, of course,  few advocate total abstinence as a solution .Though  the theories for the causes of addictive behaviours and their treatment are numerous, various types of therapy can help a person who has an addictive behaviour.

    

If you think you, or a family member,  might be addicted to a substance, activity, object, or behaviour, please talk to your family physician, clergy person, Councillor, or seek out a support group for the problem. Do it today!

PATHOLOGICAL LIAR TYPES:

DAYDREAMING PATHOLOGICAL LIAR – PSEUDOLOGIA FANTASTICA:

Some of the more extreme forms of pathological lying is Pseudologia Fantastica. This is a matrix of facts & fiction, mixed together in a way that makes the reality and fantasy almost indistinguishable. The pseudologue type pathological liar makes up stories that seem possible on the surface, but over time things start falling apart. Pseudologues have dynamic approach to their lies, they are likely to change the story if confronted or faced with disbelief, they have excessive anxiety of being caught and they desperately try to modify their story to something that would seem plausible to create or preserve a sense of self that is something they wish they were or at least something better than they fear others would find out they are. The excessive anxiety is driven by unusually low self-esteem, the person tries to hide reality by creating a fake reality, and once the story has enduring quality to it, he/she is likely to repeat it and if repeated enough times he/she might start believing in it as well. This reality escape can be triggered of a past incident or of an unbearable present for the pseudonymous.

About 30% of daydreaming pathological liars have brain dysfunction. For some it may take the form of learning disabilities, ex. dyslexia. Often those with cerebral dysfunction have greater verbal production & lower developed logical, analytical parts of the brain, thus they often fail to control verbal output.

HABITUAL LIAR:

Habitual pathological lying is, as the name suggest, habitual. Habitual liar lies so frequently, that it becomes a habit, as a result, he/she puts very little effort in giving a thought about what the output is going to be, nor does he/she care much to process whether it’s a lie or not, it’s simply a reflex & very often can be completely unnecessary or even opposite to his/her own needs. If he/she stops & thinks about it, he/she knows clearly it’s a lie. Habitual liars lie for a variety of reasons, which include, but are not limited to - Take advantage of the situation or misguide a rival, Avoid confrontation or punishment, Cover up lack of knowledge, Cover up embarrassment, To entertain oneself or others, Reinforce self-esteem, because of failing own expectation

Receive unearned praise or avoid disappointment or disapproval. For no reason whatsoever Habitual liars gives very few if any psychical or vocal signs of lying, due to the effortless nature of lying. That said, since he/she gives a very little thought to his/her lies, they are usually inconsistent & obvious.

Fear is a major contributor in developing habitual lying in a child & further advancement into adulthood, more so in conditions when the child finds truth telling results in more frequent or more severe punishment. Lack of appreciating and likelihood of unwanted consequences of telling the truth may result in frequent opting out for lying, which often involves less punishment & therefore becomes more desirable.

IMPULSIVE PATHOLOGICAL LIAR – IMPULSE CONTROL DISORDERS & LYING:

Impulsive pathological liar lies due to impulse control problem, he/she lies to fulfill his/her present (in the moment) needs, without thinking of future negative effects that can be caused because of the lie. Impulsive pathological liar generally suffers from impulse control disorders, such as kleptomania, pathological gambling, compulsive shopping etc. Those suffering from impulse control disorders fail to learn from past negative experiences, frequently suffer from depression, likely to have history of substance abuse in family or have substance abuse problems themselves, likely to have deficiency in brain serotonin. Increase in brain serotonin may have positive effect in decreasing impulsiveness, such medication may have positive effects, however there hasn't been clinical research performed to confirm or deny this theory.

SUBSTANCE ABUSE ASSOCIATED PATHOLOGICAL LIAR:

Self-Deception is an undeniable part of addictive process. People abuse alcohol or other drugs constantly lie to themselves & others to avoid embarrassment, conflict, as well as to obtain the substance. Getting off substance requires learning to distance oneself from the deceit, therefore learning to be truthful is generally a part of any Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous program.

Pathological/Compulsive Lying:

Lying is the act of both knowingly and intentionally/wilfully making a false statement. Most people do so out of fear. Pathological lying is considered a mental illness, because it takes over rational judgement and progresses into the fantasy world and back.

Excessive lying is a common symptom of several mental illnesses. For instance people who suffer from antisocial personality disorder use lying to benefit from others. Some individuals with borderline personality disorder lie for attention by claiming they’ve been treated poorly (though it is not diagnostic). Pathological lying, on the other hand, can be described as an addiction to lying. It is when an individual consistently lies for no personal gain. The lies are commonly transparent and often seem rather pointless.

There are many consequences of being a pathological liar. Due to lack of trust, most pathological liars' relationships and friendships fail. If the disease continues to progress, lying could become so severe as to cause legal problems, including but not limited to fraud.

Psychotherapy appears to be one of the only methods to treat a person suffering from pathological lying. No research has been performed regarding the use of pharmaceutical medication to treat pathological liars. Some research suggests that certain people may have a “predisposition to lying”.Pathological lying is a complex phenomenon, differing from other mental illnesses. It has many life-changing consequences for those who must live with the illness. Currently, there is not enough research in the area of pathological lying to guarantee a cure.

Low Self-Esteem & Pathological Lying:

Low self-esteem is a commonly found feature in pathological liars. The lie maybe an attempt to feel good about themselves, generally for a short period of time, similar to the effect of drugs & alcohol. The same lie or deceit repeated over and over may create a myth of personal well-being or success or displacement of faults of own failures on others, thus creating an imaginary fantasy protection bubble, which may reinforce self-esteem. Pathological liars repeatedly use deceit as an ego defense mechanism, which is primarily caused by the lack of ability to cope with everyday problems in more mature ways.

Pathological Liar – Causes:

Causes of development of pathological lying can be, but are not limited to, one or more of the factors mentioned below:

A dysfunctional family;

• Sexual or physical abuse in childhood;
• Neuropsychological abnormalities (borderline mental retardation, learning disabilities etc.)
• Impulse control disorders; such as kleptomania, pathological gambling, compulsive shopping.
• Accommodating or suggestible personality traits;
• Personality disorders (E.G. Sociopathic, Narcissistic, Borderline, Histrionic & etc.)
• Substance abuse or substance abuse in family

Compulsive Behavior:

Compulsive behaviour is defined as; A person performing an act persistently & repetitively without it leading to an actual reward or pleasure! Compulsive behaviours can be an attempt to make obsessions go away.The  act is usually a small, restricted & repetitive behaviour, yet not disturbing in a pathological way. Compulsive behaviours  are a need to reduce apprehension caused by internal feelings a person wants to abstain or control. A major cause of the compulsive behaviours is said to be obsessive–compulsive disorder (OCD).The main idea of compulsive behaviour is that the likely excessive activity is not connected to the purpose it appears to be directed to. Also, as well as being associated with obsessive–compulsive disorder,compulsive  behaviour is associated with Compulsive Sexual Behaviour or a lack of control over one’s sexual behaviour. Furthermore, there are many different types of compulsive behaviours including,shopping,hoarding  , eating, gambling, trichotillomania & picking skin, checking ,counting , washing, sex, & more. Also, there are cultural examples of compulsive behaviour.

Emotional Traits:

• Depression
• Apathy
• Delusions
• Paranoia
• Excessive Calmness
• Excessive Energy
• Excessive Talking
• Violence Prone
• Easily Irritated
• Easily Angered
• Mood Swings
• Secretive
• Lying
• Stealing
• New Friends
• Physical Traits
• Lack of Hygiene
• Excessive Sleep
• Inability to Sleep
• Excessive Sniffing
• Sinus Problems
• Sudden Weigh Loss
• Sudden Weight Gain
• Excessive Spending

Be Thorough & Sure:

Drug addicts are hard to spot, while some will show very obvious behaviours of using, others are able to carry on their daily life amazingly well. It should be noted, that just because a person is showing behaviors of a drug addict, does not necessarily mean that they actually using and have an addiction to drugs. No behaviour trait will guarantee an addiction, so when looking for various behaviours of a drug addict, be thorough and as sure as possible before moving onto the next step.

Understanding:

Being able to understand the behaviour of a drug addict can be extremely frustrating. This is because there is no rational explanation for their behaviour, and it simply revolves around their addiction, and getting the next hit, high, or drink. Instead of trying to make sense of the behaviour of a drug addict, the loved one should understand that there is no logical explanation for their behaviour other than the addict being driven by the compulsion to use drugs.

An Endless Cycle:

All of the emotional behaviours and physical behaviours that a drug addict has can be incredibly difficult to deal with. Their lies about their drug use, their whereabouts, their mood swings, money spending, and distance from loved ones when they are using are typically followed by apologies and promises that things will get better. This becomes an endless cycle that can make a concerned spouse, partner, or family member feel trapped and helpless.

They Need Help:

When a person has an addiction to drugs, the substance becomes more important than anything else in their life. Along with the behaviours listed above, a drug addict may have times that they feel guilty and remorseful and decide to get help, in these times the drug addict will normally continue using. Most addicts will need help and support from friends or family members before they check themselves into a treatment centre.

What does unmanageability mean to me?

Unmanageability:

The First Step asks us to admit two things: one, that we are powerless over our addiction; and two, that our lives have become unmanageable. Actually, we would be hard pressed to admit one and not the other. Our unmanageability is the outward evidence of our powerlessness. There are two general types of unmanageability: outward unmanageability, the kind that can be seen by others; and inner, or personal, unmanageability.

Outward unmanageability is often identified by such things as arrests, job losses, and family problems. Some of our members have been incarcerated. Some have never been able to sustain any kind of relationship for more than a few months. Some of us have been cut off from our families, asked never again to contact them. Inner or personal unmanageability is often identified by unhealthy or untrue belief Systems about ourselves, the world we live in, and the people in our lives. We may believe we're worthless. We may believe that the world revolves around us -not just that it should, but that it does. We may believe that it isn't really our job to take care of ourselves; someone else should do that. We may believe that the responsibilities the average person takes on as a matter of course are just too large a burden for us to bear. We may over or under react to events in our lives. Emotional volatility is often one of the most obvious ways in which we can identify personal unmanageability.

What does unmanageability mean to me?

Personally, I have come to the understanding that I currently & honestly believe that to me "Unmanageability" to me means that something is; difficult/impossible to manage, doesn't/won't/can't submit to discipline, Unable to keep something/someone under control/within limits, boldly resists, doesn't obey/comply to authority or an opposing force (rules/boundaries), not tractable; difficult to manage or mold; "an intractable disposition"; "intractable pain",  difficult to solve or alleviate; "uncontrollable pain" .... cumbersome, inconvenient, unwieldy, demanding, awkward, bulky, clunky (informal) & difficult to handle!

Our lives may be unmanageable in a few areas or in many areas. They may be slightly unmanageable in some areas and totally unmanageable in others. But they will be unmanageable. Unmanageability caused by addiction take many forms. It can include physical, spiritual, and mental problems; financial and legal problems; family and social problems. The problems may have been obvious to others or known only to us, but they were in one form or another. The longer I am in recovery, the more I realize how unmanageable my life had become. By accepting my powerlessness and unmanageability, I accept that I can not recover alone. I need help. That help, the Big Book tells me in the Second Step, will come from a Power greater than myself. My unmanageability lays the basis of my willingness to open and keep myself open to a Power greater than myself and to recovery. Use of the plural pronoun in the First Step, "We admitted," emphasizes that we are not alone and that we do not work our recovery program alone. The first word in the First Step makes that point clear.

Powerlessness

As addicts, we react to the word "powerless" in a variety of ways. Some of us recognize that a more accurate description of our situation simply could not exist, and admit our powerlessness with a sense of relief. Others recoil at the word, connecting it with weakness or believing it to indicate some kind of character deficiency. Understanding powerlessness - and how admitting our own powerlessness is essential to our recovery - will help us get over any negative feelings we may have about the concept.

We are powerless when the driving force in our life is beyond our control. Our addiction certainly qualifies as such an uncontrollable, driving force. We cannot moderate or control our drug use or other compulsive behaviors, even when they are causing us to lose the things that matter most to us. We cannot stop, even when to continue will surely result in irreparable physical damage. We find ourselves doing things that we would never do if it weren't for our addiction; things that make us shudder with shame when we think of them. We may even decide that we don't want to use, that we aren't going to use, and realize we are simply unable to stop when the opportunity presents itself.

We may have tried to abstain from drug use or other compulsive behaviors - perhaps with some success - for a period of time without a program, only to find that our untreated addiction eventually takes us right back to where we were before. In order to work the First Step, we need to prove our own individual powerlessness to ourselves on a deep level.

Have I accepted the full measure of my disease?

When answering "Have I accepted the full measure of my disease?" on the 11th of July, 2013 I had stated that I had not fully grasped nor accepted the full extent of the disease of my addiction! Which the reason for not having complete acceptance on the 11/07/2013 was due to the fact I hadn't yet established what "issues" had created/surrounded my path of destruction that had slowly pushed me to personally gain/form such a horrid habit(s); Dependence on/of Methamphetamine! At that particular time/moment I had thought & began to believe that I wasn't supposed to completely comprehend the full measure just yet as I had other unknown things yet to come before which needed acceptance meaning once understanding & accepting whatever that might be I'll then be able to accept the full measure of the disease I personally suffer from.

Yet answering; "Have I accepted the full measure of my disease?" today (4th September, 2013) I can honestly say I completely recognize & comprehend the fact that I currently have & always will suffer from the disease of addiction which means I will never be "safe" to use Methamphetamine's again! Yet honestly, it wasn't until my last relapse which had made me gain the realization of the reality of addiction & everything learnt during residing within a rehabilitation facility for 7 weeks. With comprehending & accepting the full extent/measure of my disease I have had to also accept the fact I may relapse within the journey ahead yet also informing myself that it's okay, Just keeping coming back because, it works, if you work it!

Hitting bottom: Despair & Isolation:

Our addiction finally brings us to a place where we can no longer deny the nature of our problem. All the lies, all the rationalizations, all the illusions fall away as we stand face-to-face with what our lives have become. We realize we've been living without hope. We find we've become friendless or so completely disconnected that our relationships are a sham, a parody of love and intimacy. Though it may seem that all is lost when we find ourselves in this state, the truth is that we must pass through this place before we can embark upon our journey of recovery.

Have I given Plausible but untrue reasons for my behavior? What have they been?

Throughout my past; during the period where my addiction was highly active I had given plausible yet untrue reasons for my behavior! Yet I wasn't only constantly giving these reasons to others within close surroundings of me, I was giving these plausible & untrue reasons to myself which in reality I  seriously became to believe my own thoughts & lies I was telling in attempt to cover up/get my out of something I didn't feel comfortable in doing!

The plausible yet obviously untrue thing I used to constantly tell & honestly believed myself was; I seriously couldn't have an addiction or be addicted to drugs if I was using as well as selling/dealing my beloved poison of choice; Methamphetamines because I had great "self-control" as I had to think of others & their wants/needs for the drugs in order to make the money I needed to pay back what I owed for the quantity of Methamphetamines I had originally picked up. Which, theoretically embedded in my mind; I am not paying for my usage of Methamphetamines, Junkies are!! Therefor, I have gained absolutely no form of addiction! Also, along with the fact I defiantly wasn't going out of my way to "pick up/score" as I was friends with my dealer prior to taking on the job of being a dealer selling Methamphetamines meaning we were just "catching up" there were just drugs there... Conveniently!

Written: Tuesday, September 3rd, 2013.

Words for thoughts;

People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong'.

Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night....

Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could....

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next!!

It hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it's so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn't come back. You're left so alone that you can't explain. Damn, there's nothing like that, is there? I've been there and you have too. You're nodding your head....

The saddest people I've ever met in life are the ones who don't care deeply about anything at all. Passion and satisfaction go hand in hand, and without them, any happiness is only temporary, because there's nothing to make it last!!

Enter my addictive journey;

Unfortunately, we lie to ourselves as much as we lie to others. “I need this,” or “No one will know,” even “I'm not hurting anyone.” Our list of thinking errors / denial patterns are sadly yet, extremely long. Honestly, majority of addicts are very creative people & more often than not; more intelligent than they make out which personally in my scenario the more intelligent that I was / were / became which yet, truly not to mention; sadly had meant I had developed & was progressing into a better, smarter & sneakier addict. 

When it came to using methamphetamines I had started out using my beloved poison via snorting the drug as originally I had thought inhaling / smoking it was absolutely disgusting let alone beginning the even somewhat think about the fact people use meth via injecting themselves with needles... Which that thought to this day I still seriously can't bear to imagine as it makes me feel physically sick beyond explainable words! Mind you... After several months of snorting methamphetamines it was becoming impossible to do as it would instantly make me vomit or cause nose bleeds & headaches / migraines which therefor led me the only / next option to begin smoking meth through a glass pipe commonly known as a "sweet puff" which instantly then I fell head over heels, completely in love with the satisfaction I had gained from blowing clouds! To be completely honest; I hate the taste & smell of methamphetamines let alone the cooked / retardation / spastic / slow / stupid feeling I began to constantly feel due to my love of blowing clouds left me to experience after highly & seriously more than likely after having too much /more than body was / could handle at that present time! Towards the end before admitting that I had an addiction & entering into a residential  rehabilitation facility I remember spending a good constant half-hour / hour non-stop smoking my poison till i couldn't see anything within the room, let alone smoked $1000, sometimes more worth of meth just to receive that satisfaction of; "professional cloud blowing" that once I had finished I began to feel like I was dying, clutching my chest due to the fact my heart was beating inexplicably fast I thought it would stop in an instant / pop out of my chest! Which well several times I believed the only way to stop the feeling was to inhale a little 'only a little' bit more....

Look beyond my mask:

Look at me , What do you see ?

That smile , is a frown

Those eyes , are aged far beyond my years

That laugh , is a cry for help

This face is my guard ,

This face is my tool to portraying my self in a way people cannot see my true self .

Look Close .....

Can you see my pain ?

Can you see my struggle ?

Can you see my hurt ?

Can you see my abandonment ?

Can you see my story ?

Can you see my cries for attention ?

Can you see The Tracks Of My Tears ? 

I feel, I think...

no-one is there when i need them,

i hate sitting here,

Hate yet over; crying to myself,

I want it all to end...

I am soo alone,

I am in unbarable pain;

I'm feeling; completely lost!

Honestly, feeling completely abandoned.. 

I am, let alone feel ever so helpless!

Seriously, I don't know...

I don't know what to do??

Childhood memories... Honestly are; extremely minor within my memory & ever so... yet, completely hazy! Seriously, I can never seem to come close to nor grasp the true reason I grew up ever so quick, let alone in such a pushy, impatient; hurry! I felt as I was never treated like a child not to mention forcing myself to Never have the chance to grow to experience "Fear of rejection"  which honestly came & to this day still does... Being; Too scared to hear the word "NO!" Please... Will you; Look into my eyes? Explain, semi even... Somewhat Tell me what you see Behind my pain & tears?? At the end of the day I feel as I am; A girl living in defeat constantly informing myself; "I really wasn't that bad & I seriously didn't do anyone nor anything wrong!" which I've forever, as long as I can remember have ever believed! Now, I'm told this belief is a sense / glimpse of denial... A mask this disease has me to wear!! 

Addictive Thoughts;

I have absolutely no pleasure in the stimulants in which I sometimes so madly indulge. It has not been in the pursuit of pleasure that I have periled life and reputation and reason. It has been the desperate attempt to escape from torturing memories, from a sense of insupportable loneliness and a dread of some strange impending doom!

------------------------------------------------

Even when I took the drugs I realized that this just wasn't fun anymore. The drugs had become a part of my routine. Something to wake me up. Something to help me sleep. Something to calm my nerves. There was a time when I was able to wake up, go to sleep, and have fun without a pill, pipe or a line to help me function. These days it felt like I might have a nervous breakdown if I didn't have them...

------------------------------------------------

To have the beginning of a truly great story, you need to have a character you're completely and utterly obsessed with. Without obsession, to the point of a maddening addiction,there's no point to continue.

The stages (experience) of Meth

1) The Rush — A rush is the initial response the abuser feels when smoking or injecting methamphetamine. During the rush, the abuser’s heartbeat races and metabolism,blood pressure and pulse soar. Unlike the rush associated with crack cocaine, which lasts for approximately two to five minutes, the methamphetamine rush can continue for up to thirty minutes.

2) The High — The rush is followed by a high, sometimes called “the shoulder.” During the high, the abuser often feels aggressively smarter and becomes argumentative, often interrupting other people and finishing their sentences. The delusional effects can result in a user becoming intensely focused on an insignificant item, such as repeatedly cleaning the same window for several hours. The high can last four to sixteen hours.

3) The Binge — A binge is uncontrolled use of a drug or alcohol. It refers to the abuser’s urge to maintain the high by smoking or injecting more methamphetamine. The binge can last three to fifteen days. During the binge, the abuser becomes hyperactive both mentally and physically. Each time the abuser smokes or injects more of the drug, he experiences another but smaller rush until, finally, there is no rush and no high.

4) Tweaking — A methamphetamine abuser is most dangerous when experiencing a phase of the addiction called “tweaking”—a condition reached at the end of a drug binge when methamphetamine no longer provides a rush or a high. Unable to relieve the horrible feelings of emptiness and craving, an abuser loses his sense of identity. Intense itching is common and a user can become convinced that bugs are crawling under his skin. Unable to sleep for days at a time, the abuser is often in a completely psychotic state and he exists in his own world, seeing and hearing things that no one else can perceive. His hallucinations are so vivid that they seem real and, disconnected from reality, he can become hostile and dangerous to himself and others. The potential for self-mutilation is high.

5) The Crash — To a binge abuser, the crash happens when the body shuts down, unable to cope with the drug effects overwhelming it; this results in a long period of sleep for the person. Even the meanest, most violent abuser becomes almost lifeless during the crash. The crash can last one to three days.

6) Meth Hangover — After the crash, the abuser returns in a deteriorated state, starved, dehydrated and utterly exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally. This stage ordinarily lasts from two to fourteen days. This leads to enforced addiction, as the “solution” to these feelings is to take more meth.

7) Withdrawal — Often thirty to ninety days can pass after the last drug use before the abuser realizes that he is in withdrawal. First, he becomes depressed, loses his energy and the ability to experience pleasure. Then the craving for more methamphetamine hits, and the abuser often becomes suicidal. Since meth withdrawal is extremely painful and difficult, most abusers revert; thus, 93% of those in traditional treatment return to abusing methamphetamine.

Methamphetamine's VS Me;

My respect for Meth and the potential it carries is incomprehensible. This addiction is unlike anything imaginable and must be distinguished from the addictions of other drugs. The way that this addiction can overpower someone, hidden without any warnings or signs while engulfing them with its rapid triumph is indescribable. It happened to me and was unlike anything I've ever dreamed of. It does this in a way where the victim is unaware of and has no defense capability whatsoever. By filling you pride, well-being, happiness, determination, and a huge self-esteem that the person is willing to protect by all means more than ever before. Mainly this is what meth has attacked you with. While you are feeling better then ever before, not realizing that you actually falling, and in a sense becoming a different person, with a different personality, a whole new character, while the true you is still present, but being locked up behind a barrier that prevents any and all of your former morals, personalities, and beliefs from playing any roles within this new person. Like a glass wall leaving you at times able to see thru and sometimes feel from what you used to be, but never able to penetrate. It's when you have your first experience with the feelings of your former self, which rarely happens, and for some, may never happen, that you first realize you are addicted. By that time, my friends, it is too late! Since whatever you may have experienced is so brief and is quickly attacked and taken down by your new character's protected self-esteem in a fast, unnoticeable, and happily acceptable way, you are left with something that you have already forgotten. Soon after it all becomes just another example of how extremely well your new personality can protect itself from any threats to the truth, the fact that you are under control of this power called crystal. All advice, care, suggestions, or observations from other people will be denied and angrily refused because of this entirely different person that you have became and are totally unaware of. This is why people that are actively using the drug are more or less helpless, they are a robot being controlled by crystal and they hold a shield that will prevent any person from coming close to them and that keeps outside help far away since the person filled with false security and are 200% convinced that nothing at all is wrong. 

The Stress and Strain.

Part of the stress & strain to why I had personally chosen to use drugs was due to the association with living in a complex society which the reality within my head at the time strongly & seriously believed my personal  values are & were less defined & reinforced or even considered acceptable via others surrounding me with me , yes myself using verbal communication.

When certain things/events had happened there was a major change within my social network which was extremely frustrating let alone highly disruptive to myself & as I have recently learnt... Also to my family & once upon a time; extremely close friends + extended family . These changes had seriously caused me to suffer a great deal of loss within my self-esteem & ultimately  increased the dedication of my self- destruction behavioral issues which mainly yet then my priority which obviously was my drug abuse & not to mention when socialism had rapidly  changed which left me with the loss of numerous ties within the community's social, commercial, religious, economic & political groups I was somewhat if not completely all for & greatly apart of. A great deal of change occurred around the time I had seriously needed a stable environment let alone the personal  time I'd lost over the few years within an abusive relationship so I could actually begin to slowly develop positive self-esteem again. I then & still do  perceive change as something that is beyond my control hence my use of drugs is as more often than not it was a way which had successfully helped me to deal/overcome the stress that occurred  because of adaptation, frustration & complete  overload.

Substance abuse motivations

Honestly, to begin with I wouldn't have any agreement whatsoever about what my drug problem is & certainty even less of an  agreement about an explanation of what may be the cause or the solution for my addiction.

Personally & originally my motives for using psychoactive/illicit substances were due to the fact it provided an amazing sense of relief from personal physical , mental & emotional problems I was then currently experiencing. Also , when I had used in moderation it had enhanced the enjoyment of social interactions & heightened pleasurable sensations. Yet when the drugs were constantly  used to the point of abuse, which in my situation was on a daily occurrence which quite quickly greatly began to effect family , friends & anyone surrounding me which left those all feel & suffer the consequences.

The motivations I had for my methamphetamine usage had honestly of changed over the period of years/as I got older which gradually progressing abusing drugs over the years it led to the result of taking on different social roles which rapidly graduated within numerous & completely different degrees of involvement with drugs which in reality made me have to deal with stress in continuously evolving ways.

 During my period of time using I had quickly  learnt how to tolerate the side effects which theoretically was to obtain other benefits from the drug which was greatly including relief from pain (mentally,  physically & emotionally) which is otherwords was a vehicle which had helped me greatly which the whole socialization scenario & was a highly great means to dampen the effects of stress. Which honestly always left me wondering;

Why do drugs become so gratifying to us?

How does the self-centered part of my disease affect my life and the lives of those around me?

The self-centered part of my disease... Well, i once seen my addiction as a filthy habit, yet part of my daily routine like someone having their morning coffee or casual hit of nicotine from their cigarette breaks throughout the day which in my mind effected no one other than myself due to the fact i was the one personally packing the pipe & inhaling methamphetamines not any of those "loved ones" surrounding me & my daily lifestyle choice! Yet... 6 years on, seeing rock-bottom numerous times, losing countless 'friends' .. reading hundreds of letters & texts let alone listening to the intense voice-mails from family i seen calling yet ignored as i was too busy getting high... was it that i extremely slowly & shamefully repetitively learnt over a slow, painful, lonely 12months that the self-centered part of my addiction affected the whole world around me weather i let them within my metherlated walls of life or not! Whilst going through active addiction where the heavy period was occurring I was extremely selfish, insanely cruel, cared about me, myself & i.. Had no care who i hurt, what i said or where i ended up.. as long as i was high "living the dream" i was right! ahahha ... Couldn't of been further from the truth! I tore my family apart, made them suffer in many ways, mainly stress as i never answered their calls/texts not only for days but weeks & months at a time! Those who i now know are true friends were copping the front of my addiction in attempt to help me see the disgusting person i changed into since meth controlled me.. not the other way around! This had effected my life in numerous ways i cannot change... for example several arrests, court appearances, time in lockup, charges which will now stick with me for life making my now future a hell of a lot harder with the basic necessities in life like getting/holding a job with a criminal record, getting a house to call home & even flying outta the country for a simple holiday! Asking myself now.... was the satisfaction of exhaling clouds truly worth it? Ha' i can honestly answer now... NO IT FUCKING WASN'T!! I now have many amends to make with those I've hurt, shat on & completely shamed let alone having to attempt to piece my life back together surrounding my past which in reality id go back in time & say "NO thanks" to that first pipe shoved in my face that started my addiction... yet i can't so from now on..... day in & day out ill pay for my bad decisions & change what i can & apologize to the lives my self-centered addiction had effected weather i get forgiveness or not!

I HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME FOR MY ADDICTION / BEHAVIOUR OTHER THAN MYSELF... I KNOW THAT!!!

Personal Opinion & Views: Life.

The disease - Addiction;

What makes us addicts is the disease of addiction-not the drugs, not our behavior, but our disease. There is something within us that makes us unable to control our use of drugs. This same "something" also makes us prone to obsession and compulsion in other areas of our lives. How can we tell when our disease is active? When we become trapped in obsessive, compulsive, self-centered routines, endless loops that lead nowhere but to physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional decay.

My personal - Life views, Opinions & Beliefs;

We are given a life with our name as the title when we enter this world which they say is our own yet we are taught right from wrong due to the fact we are taught by those that gave us the gift of life! Which goes back decades which technically leaves us walking this life  somewhat on our own! As we progress throughout our personal journey through our life we tend to make choices & act out in certain ways which causes you to receive certain reactions, opinions & consequences from others surrounding you as a result of your choices or actions effected someone or something else which obviously isn't accepted by the eyes of the law/religion/family! When we experience these consequences for our behavior, choices & actions we tend to be in a severe state of denial of any wrong doings as we have taught ourselves to honestly believe that the things we do are okay & effects no one else but ourselves! Majority of the time we repeat certain behaviors/actions with the hope that we receive a different outcome rather than the same as previous experiences. Some may learn the first time others may take a little longer... Like myself! I have repeated the behaviors a million times over because even though I'm after the same result as in the past I strongly believed it's a different situation to the past ones yet it's only now that I have comprehended the reasons & gained an understanding why certain results were received! Once accepting & gaining knowledge of my past/choices & actions I had come to realize the reality of my personal decisions which was a never ending cycle leaving me no choice yet to change the direction path of my life journey!

 My personal opinion regarding the past & present results/outcomes caused by your decisions is to at least memorize the reactions/outcomes of your actions & if you make the same mistake(s) again... It's actually okay, we are only human & we are constantly learning! We will get it right in the long run! Just accept your fuckups, take responsibility for your actions & just move on, what's done is done! Oh, Also... If someone or something decides to stay within the journey of your past it's for whatever reasons you'll come to realize at a later date! Sometimes the things or people come back into your life sometimes they don't & if they don't they obviously not acceptable nor needed within your present & future journey!

Honestly, I must admit;

Life.. It's not easy & seriously far from simple! Life's a lesson... Past & Present! YOU are the choices that you choose to make!

Personally Admitting Effects of Decisions;

Honestly, I know that in the past I have made bad choices/decisions. Yes, I have hurt those I seriously shouldn't of & that I have made certain mistakes repetitively sometimes with intentions yet majority of the time unintentionally! Yet, In reality... I'm only human & I am still currently learning as you are too! I have honestly & stupidly had to learn majority of things the hard way! At the end of the day at least then or within time I can admit my wrong doings & the fact I have flaws & that I have sadly yet only myself to blame for those no longer within any aspect of my life! I'm truly, deeply & ever so honestly, extremely apologetic for the hurt & pain my life of destruction has caused! I do have complete understanding & acknowledge that I only have myself to blame! In reality to me, Life's like a gamble, day in, day out... You never know what's just around the corner! So, from now... I shall seriously attempt to mend all my wrongs where I can; accept the things I can not change, Change the things I can & have the Wisdom to know the difference because... LIFE GOES ON weather you like it or not!

Dependence or Addiction?

There is a difference between dependence & addiction. Dependence occurs when tolerance builds up & the body needs the drug in order to function. Withdrawal symptoms will begin if the drug is stopped abruptly. Yet, on the other hand, when a person turns to the regular use of a drug to satisfy emotional & psychological needs, they are addicted to that substance! Physical dependence also exists, but the drug has become a way to cope with (or avoid) all kinds of uncomfortable feelings.

Majority of drug addicts do begin by needing the drug weather they are prescribed for medical reasons or making themselves believe they need the drug in order to function/live. Which at some point/somewhere along the line, the drug obviously/clearly/unintentionally yet slowly begins to take over their lives & becomes more important than anything/anyone else & majority of the time nothing will stop/get in the way of  them gaining/receiving their drug of choice.

Many people surrounding someone suffering the disease of addiction or currently within an active addiction or even someone that is completely against drugs find it extremely difficult to understand how someone could let addiction even happen. Majority of people constantly ask: "How could someone who is reasonably intelligent & sophisticated in regards to drug addiction become an addict?" Without the realization or even somewhat thinking about the fact that addiction seriously has absolutely nothing to do with intelligence & addiction to legal drugs is no different than any other substance abuse problem (illegal drugs). Clearly, the potential risks and dangers involved with taking narcotics doesn’t stop someone from becoming an addict.

Meth & it's Darkside:

Seriously, yet honestly; the dark side of Methamphetamine's is when the very moment it first gets into your soul, it starts to destroy all the connections to your ability to effectively reason, feel real emotions & make a moral decision with a conscience that knows the difference between right & wrong. The user/addict, who once functioned as a logical & loving human being before the Methamphetamine's had gained control, now functions no more than an emotionless & programmed robot. In reality, Methamphetamine's (Meth) definitely couldn't, doesn't & never will/shall care who it destroys & has this undeniably great ability to strip away every connection that attaches the conscience to every human being. Then & only then, can & does Meth transform a person to think, feel & behave in a cold & heartless fashion. But, this programming only lasts however long it takes for a fatal glitch to happen & then; all chaos breaks loose. Most of the Meth created robots either & up making their life an endless occupation as a prisoner in correction facilities, making a mental institution their lifetime homestead, or just simply become a recluse from all of society & pass on/die without ever knowing what life could have been like free from their addiction to Meth. Only the very few that somehow find that one last connection to their soul, will reach out & hold on to it for dear life. That is the moment, they can see how horrific their life has become & fight like hell to break free from Meth's control. For the ones that are successful in climbing their way out of the pit of darkness that Meth created for them to fall in, it can be a tremendous struggle to recover & heal. Every single day, hour, minute & even every single minute can seem so overwhelmingly difficult while learning to live without Meth. But, what happens in this process is the further destruction of Meth is halted & those once dead & dormant connections to the soul come alive & begin to function again as they get healed/progress through recovery. From the moment we are born, we learn how to eat, crawl, walk, speak, make logical decisions with good judgment & become loving & moral adults.

Honestly, I am convinced that Meth's destruction of one's soul, makes a person to have to go back as a newborn & theoretically be retrained all over again how to function normally. This can be so frustrating to the adult mind of the addict to have to go through this learning stage all over again. It would be so awesome if the moment one decides to stop using Meth, that every bit of it's destruction could magically disappear & instantly be healed. This is when you start to feel the harsh betrayal of Meth as you recall it's promise. A promise to always love you without end no matter if you turned you back on it or not. Anger, fury & dismay set in as you learn it was all a big lie. For Meth is like an abusing spouse, who fills your head & heart with sweet & wonderful intentions. Feeling much like a victim of domestic violence, you experience a sensation of drowning in the sea of hurt, confusion, guilt & depression. You keep saying to yourself over and over again, "I did everything my lover (Meth) wanted. I became everything Meth wanted me to be. I gave away everything important to me. I even gave up the person I was born to be & all the happiness & success I wanted for my life just so Meth could be my number one focus." It's only then that you start to question about where it all went wrong & slowly you begin to realize Meth was only using your trusting heart that was starved for love, affection & protection to lure you in to it's wicked, wide web of destruction. You ask yourself, "How stupid are you? How could you have been so blind? Why did you let yourself get caught up in Meth's lie in the first place?

Also not to mention, why oh why would you keep letting Meth treat you this way when you were on the losing end? Why did you not leave Meth before it had a chance to destroy you this much?" Remorse & feeling the shame of allowing yourself to stay locked up in Meth's abuse kicks in. You begin to feel mistrust of yourself to make healthy decisions & judgment's that help you pick a mate who will really love you like you deserve. A mate who has a moral foundation of honesty, a true desire to see you happy and full of joy, and an endless love that only seeks for ways to show you that you are important and worthy to be loved.

Written: Wednesday, 4 September 2013 

Disease, Drug Addiction? How?

Yes. Addiction is a chronic, relapsing disease that affects the brain and causes compulsive drug seeking and use despite harmful consequences.
 Addiction is considered a brain disease because drugs change the brain—in structure and in function. It's true that for most people, the initial decision to take drugs is voluntary. Over time, however, drug abuse can cause changes to the brain that erode a person's self control and ability to make sound decisions, while sending intense impulses to take drugs.

Has my disease been active recently? In what way?

When I had finally admitted to a few close Friends and my Family that I was an Addict that was highly dependent on my poison of choice (Methamphetamine) and that I have tried to stop using on numerous occasions yet constantly relapsed! It had gotten to the point I had seriously quit quitting because I was completely powerless over my Methamphetamine Addiction along with being  extremely angry within myself and the constant failure of attempting to rid my disgusting drug habit! At this point in time I was honestly left with very few options and wasn't about to go through another Hitting Rock Bottom scenario again! So, I admitted that in actual fact; My names is; Ebony & I'm an Addict! Accepted the help from several Drug & Alcohol Facilities that helped me with all the information needed about my addiction and the help available before quickly making the decision about admitting myself into a rehabilitation facility as it was one of my only options left! This is where Serenity Lodge came into being a huge part of my recovery as they were the rehabilitation facility to accept me as becoming a resident that resided on the complex slowly working my way through recovery..... One day at a time!

Once I had moved into Serenity Lodge I had become to think and believe that the answer to this question was "No, My disease has NOT been active recently!" Yet it wasn't until I was Four or Five weeks through Serenity Lodge's Program (Narcotics Anonymous Step Working Guide) that i had finally comprehended that even though I wasn't outside the walls / gates of the Rehab Complex using Methamphetamine's daily I was still inside a Rehabilitation Facility due to the fact I was a recovering addict which in reality means more than being a person who was just dependent on Methamphetamine's! I was a human being that still and will continue to suffer from the disease of addiction for the rest of my life... I Just have to learn how to manage my life, change the things I can, accept those things I cannot change and have the wisdom to know the difference!

Throughout my journey so far over these past few months of learning to live life without resorting back to old behaviors of using drugs to cope I have unintentionally began to become obsessed with other things such as; Caffeine, Sugar, Exercise, Narcotics Anonymous Meetings, Step Work and Etc. which in reality means the answer to; Has my disease been active recently? would honestly have to be answered with;

 Yes, My disease has been active recently!

ADDICTIONS CAN BE WITH ANYTHING

"ADDICT" ... IS THAT YOU?
Addiction is a whole lot more than;
"DRUG ADDICTION & ALCOHOLISM"

Written: Friday, 30 August 2013

What does "The Disease Of Addiction" mean to me?

When I was originally informed about "The Disease Of Addiction" during my first week I had accounted at Serenity Lodge...  I can honestly say I seriously couldn't gasp the concept of it completely nor could I even bear to attempt to comprehend what it would even mean to me! Which had me led me to constantly over-thinking the reality of the Disease causing me to make myself believe it was most probably yet i was semi somewhat certain it defiantly had no connection of any kind to my past, present or even my methamphetamine addiction!

Yet when going over my Step One work during the 6th & 7th week into my journey of recovery at Serenity Lodge I had realized that the whole "Disease Of Addiction" thought(s) / meaning(s) was a whole different kind of scenario / angle compared to my original thoughts on the apparent meaning of the; "Disease Of Addiction!" Being in the 7th week I had self received a great deal of realization which is why iI now know that the Disease Of Addiction means that I have next to none / great lack of self-control which isn't only with my past, present & yet to be future behaviors! It also has great deal dictation via my actions & which had amazingly served me countless times throughout my active addiction which had featured a large scale of compulsive & obsessive intakes of my beloved poison; Methamphetamine which became detrimental effectively yet nearly suddenly due to the amounts I personally forced myself to inhale on a daily basis which theoretically left me constantly dissatisfied within the drug yet the Disease Of Addiction (Chronic Brain Disorder) has in reality taken over my mind, body & soul which is the reason I am Powerless over this Primary Disease which can be cured... Which is where Rehabilitation at Serenity Lodge had come into my life as The Disease Of Addiction Must be treated, managed & monitored over a lifetime to receive the freedom you've longingly been seeking!

The Disease of Addiction:


Is more powerful than you could ever believe!
It's not easy but honestly;
YOU CAN BREAK FREE & CHANGE!!!!

Written: Friday, 30 August 2013