Words for thoughts;

People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong'.

Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night....

Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could....

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next!!

It hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it's so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn't come back. You're left so alone that you can't explain. Damn, there's nothing like that, is there? I've been there and you have too. You're nodding your head....

The saddest people I've ever met in life are the ones who don't care deeply about anything at all. Passion and satisfaction go hand in hand, and without them, any happiness is only temporary, because there's nothing to make it last!!

Enter my addictive journey;

Unfortunately, we lie to ourselves as much as we lie to others. “I need this,” or “No one will know,” even “I'm not hurting anyone.” Our list of thinking errors / denial patterns are sadly yet, extremely long. Honestly, majority of addicts are very creative people & more often than not; more intelligent than they make out which personally in my scenario the more intelligent that I was / were / became which yet, truly not to mention; sadly had meant I had developed & was progressing into a better, smarter & sneakier addict. 

When it came to using methamphetamines I had started out using my beloved poison via snorting the drug as originally I had thought inhaling / smoking it was absolutely disgusting let alone beginning the even somewhat think about the fact people use meth via injecting themselves with needles... Which that thought to this day I still seriously can't bear to imagine as it makes me feel physically sick beyond explainable words! Mind you... After several months of snorting methamphetamines it was becoming impossible to do as it would instantly make me vomit or cause nose bleeds & headaches / migraines which therefor led me the only / next option to begin smoking meth through a glass pipe commonly known as a "sweet puff" which instantly then I fell head over heels, completely in love with the satisfaction I had gained from blowing clouds! To be completely honest; I hate the taste & smell of methamphetamines let alone the cooked / retardation / spastic / slow / stupid feeling I began to constantly feel due to my love of blowing clouds left me to experience after highly & seriously more than likely after having too much /more than body was / could handle at that present time! Towards the end before admitting that I had an addiction & entering into a residential  rehabilitation facility I remember spending a good constant half-hour / hour non-stop smoking my poison till i couldn't see anything within the room, let alone smoked $1000, sometimes more worth of meth just to receive that satisfaction of; "professional cloud blowing" that once I had finished I began to feel like I was dying, clutching my chest due to the fact my heart was beating inexplicably fast I thought it would stop in an instant / pop out of my chest! Which well several times I believed the only way to stop the feeling was to inhale a little 'only a little' bit more....

Look beyond my mask:

Look at me , What do you see ?

That smile , is a frown

Those eyes , are aged far beyond my years

That laugh , is a cry for help

This face is my guard ,

This face is my tool to portraying my self in a way people cannot see my true self .

Look Close .....

Can you see my pain ?

Can you see my struggle ?

Can you see my hurt ?

Can you see my abandonment ?

Can you see my story ?

Can you see my cries for attention ?

Can you see The Tracks Of My Tears ? 

I feel, I think...

no-one is there when i need them,

i hate sitting here,

Hate yet over; crying to myself,

I want it all to end...

I am soo alone,

I am in unbarable pain;

I'm feeling; completely lost!

Honestly, feeling completely abandoned.. 

I am, let alone feel ever so helpless!

Seriously, I don't know...

I don't know what to do??

Childhood memories... Honestly are; extremely minor within my memory & ever so... yet, completely hazy! Seriously, I can never seem to come close to nor grasp the true reason I grew up ever so quick, let alone in such a pushy, impatient; hurry! I felt as I was never treated like a child not to mention forcing myself to Never have the chance to grow to experience "Fear of rejection"  which honestly came & to this day still does... Being; Too scared to hear the word "NO!" Please... Will you; Look into my eyes? Explain, semi even... Somewhat Tell me what you see Behind my pain & tears?? At the end of the day I feel as I am; A girl living in defeat constantly informing myself; "I really wasn't that bad & I seriously didn't do anyone nor anything wrong!" which I've forever, as long as I can remember have ever believed! Now, I'm told this belief is a sense / glimpse of denial... A mask this disease has me to wear!! 

Addictive Thoughts;

I have absolutely no pleasure in the stimulants in which I sometimes so madly indulge. It has not been in the pursuit of pleasure that I have periled life and reputation and reason. It has been the desperate attempt to escape from torturing memories, from a sense of insupportable loneliness and a dread of some strange impending doom!

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Even when I took the drugs I realized that this just wasn't fun anymore. The drugs had become a part of my routine. Something to wake me up. Something to help me sleep. Something to calm my nerves. There was a time when I was able to wake up, go to sleep, and have fun without a pill, pipe or a line to help me function. These days it felt like I might have a nervous breakdown if I didn't have them...

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To have the beginning of a truly great story, you need to have a character you're completely and utterly obsessed with. Without obsession, to the point of a maddening addiction,there's no point to continue.

The stages (experience) of Meth

1) The Rush — A rush is the initial response the abuser feels when smoking or injecting methamphetamine. During the rush, the abuser’s heartbeat races and metabolism,blood pressure and pulse soar. Unlike the rush associated with crack cocaine, which lasts for approximately two to five minutes, the methamphetamine rush can continue for up to thirty minutes.

2) The High — The rush is followed by a high, sometimes called “the shoulder.” During the high, the abuser often feels aggressively smarter and becomes argumentative, often interrupting other people and finishing their sentences. The delusional effects can result in a user becoming intensely focused on an insignificant item, such as repeatedly cleaning the same window for several hours. The high can last four to sixteen hours.

3) The Binge — A binge is uncontrolled use of a drug or alcohol. It refers to the abuser’s urge to maintain the high by smoking or injecting more methamphetamine. The binge can last three to fifteen days. During the binge, the abuser becomes hyperactive both mentally and physically. Each time the abuser smokes or injects more of the drug, he experiences another but smaller rush until, finally, there is no rush and no high.

4) Tweaking — A methamphetamine abuser is most dangerous when experiencing a phase of the addiction called “tweaking”—a condition reached at the end of a drug binge when methamphetamine no longer provides a rush or a high. Unable to relieve the horrible feelings of emptiness and craving, an abuser loses his sense of identity. Intense itching is common and a user can become convinced that bugs are crawling under his skin. Unable to sleep for days at a time, the abuser is often in a completely psychotic state and he exists in his own world, seeing and hearing things that no one else can perceive. His hallucinations are so vivid that they seem real and, disconnected from reality, he can become hostile and dangerous to himself and others. The potential for self-mutilation is high.

5) The Crash — To a binge abuser, the crash happens when the body shuts down, unable to cope with the drug effects overwhelming it; this results in a long period of sleep for the person. Even the meanest, most violent abuser becomes almost lifeless during the crash. The crash can last one to three days.

6) Meth Hangover — After the crash, the abuser returns in a deteriorated state, starved, dehydrated and utterly exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally. This stage ordinarily lasts from two to fourteen days. This leads to enforced addiction, as the “solution” to these feelings is to take more meth.

7) Withdrawal — Often thirty to ninety days can pass after the last drug use before the abuser realizes that he is in withdrawal. First, he becomes depressed, loses his energy and the ability to experience pleasure. Then the craving for more methamphetamine hits, and the abuser often becomes suicidal. Since meth withdrawal is extremely painful and difficult, most abusers revert; thus, 93% of those in traditional treatment return to abusing methamphetamine.

Methamphetamine's VS Me;

My respect for Meth and the potential it carries is incomprehensible. This addiction is unlike anything imaginable and must be distinguished from the addictions of other drugs. The way that this addiction can overpower someone, hidden without any warnings or signs while engulfing them with its rapid triumph is indescribable. It happened to me and was unlike anything I've ever dreamed of. It does this in a way where the victim is unaware of and has no defense capability whatsoever. By filling you pride, well-being, happiness, determination, and a huge self-esteem that the person is willing to protect by all means more than ever before. Mainly this is what meth has attacked you with. While you are feeling better then ever before, not realizing that you actually falling, and in a sense becoming a different person, with a different personality, a whole new character, while the true you is still present, but being locked up behind a barrier that prevents any and all of your former morals, personalities, and beliefs from playing any roles within this new person. Like a glass wall leaving you at times able to see thru and sometimes feel from what you used to be, but never able to penetrate. It's when you have your first experience with the feelings of your former self, which rarely happens, and for some, may never happen, that you first realize you are addicted. By that time, my friends, it is too late! Since whatever you may have experienced is so brief and is quickly attacked and taken down by your new character's protected self-esteem in a fast, unnoticeable, and happily acceptable way, you are left with something that you have already forgotten. Soon after it all becomes just another example of how extremely well your new personality can protect itself from any threats to the truth, the fact that you are under control of this power called crystal. All advice, care, suggestions, or observations from other people will be denied and angrily refused because of this entirely different person that you have became and are totally unaware of. This is why people that are actively using the drug are more or less helpless, they are a robot being controlled by crystal and they hold a shield that will prevent any person from coming close to them and that keeps outside help far away since the person filled with false security and are 200% convinced that nothing at all is wrong. 

The Stress and Strain.

Part of the stress & strain to why I had personally chosen to use drugs was due to the association with living in a complex society which the reality within my head at the time strongly & seriously believed my personal  values are & were less defined & reinforced or even considered acceptable via others surrounding me with me , yes myself using verbal communication.

When certain things/events had happened there was a major change within my social network which was extremely frustrating let alone highly disruptive to myself & as I have recently learnt... Also to my family & once upon a time; extremely close friends + extended family . These changes had seriously caused me to suffer a great deal of loss within my self-esteem & ultimately  increased the dedication of my self- destruction behavioral issues which mainly yet then my priority which obviously was my drug abuse & not to mention when socialism had rapidly  changed which left me with the loss of numerous ties within the community's social, commercial, religious, economic & political groups I was somewhat if not completely all for & greatly apart of. A great deal of change occurred around the time I had seriously needed a stable environment let alone the personal  time I'd lost over the few years within an abusive relationship so I could actually begin to slowly develop positive self-esteem again. I then & still do  perceive change as something that is beyond my control hence my use of drugs is as more often than not it was a way which had successfully helped me to deal/overcome the stress that occurred  because of adaptation, frustration & complete  overload.

Substance abuse motivations

Honestly, to begin with I wouldn't have any agreement whatsoever about what my drug problem is & certainty even less of an  agreement about an explanation of what may be the cause or the solution for my addiction.

Personally & originally my motives for using psychoactive/illicit substances were due to the fact it provided an amazing sense of relief from personal physical , mental & emotional problems I was then currently experiencing. Also , when I had used in moderation it had enhanced the enjoyment of social interactions & heightened pleasurable sensations. Yet when the drugs were constantly  used to the point of abuse, which in my situation was on a daily occurrence which quite quickly greatly began to effect family , friends & anyone surrounding me which left those all feel & suffer the consequences.

The motivations I had for my methamphetamine usage had honestly of changed over the period of years/as I got older which gradually progressing abusing drugs over the years it led to the result of taking on different social roles which rapidly graduated within numerous & completely different degrees of involvement with drugs which in reality made me have to deal with stress in continuously evolving ways.

 During my period of time using I had quickly  learnt how to tolerate the side effects which theoretically was to obtain other benefits from the drug which was greatly including relief from pain (mentally,  physically & emotionally) which is otherwords was a vehicle which had helped me greatly which the whole socialization scenario & was a highly great means to dampen the effects of stress. Which honestly always left me wondering;

Why do drugs become so gratifying to us?